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some fun things
Because the depressing to non depressing ratio of this blog does not properly convey my current happiness.
1. ticking DDDD’s nipples with my mouth over her shirt
2. hanging with DDDD and playing magic cards, which she actualyl asks ME to play
3. talking to DDDD about her mom and problems in her life, being able to talk to her about my feelings and such
4. DDDD’s smile, her telling me how much she really likes me, cuddling her as we fall asleep
5. being groggy but her sleeping over anyway with me
6. hanging with some friends and shooting the shit like normies.
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FRIEND:heloooSXXX:heyyyyyyyyyyFRIEND:whats upSXXX:not much just groggySXXX:u?SXXX:what was up yesterday?FRIEND:just got in from groceriesFRIEND:ah, just wanted to talk was feeling emo hahaSXXX:ah :( how are u today?FRIEND:good, lol just had a convo with jordon the other day about what we are going to do when i moveSXXX:howd it goFRIEND:i basically sat there crying talking to him about itFRIEND:he still wants to tryFRIEND:but he says he is not moving there and i said im not comming backFRIEND:im more confused then i was before the convoSXXX:oh (worry)SXXX:well itll be tough for sureSXXX:but if its meant, then it will..SXXX:i dunno. its gonna be trying for sureSXXX:but if you really waanna have it work, i t g=couldSXXX:it could *FRIEND:yeahFRIEND:i just dont know what to do:(SXXX:try to make it work until it cant, i guess?SXXX:its a hard situationSXXX:for sure :(FRIEND:yeah :(FRIEND:why did you decide to end things when you guys moved?SXXX:because we hadd dated 2.5 years and were gonna be aprt 2.5 years. it seemed a long time to not be together but to do long distanceSXXX:the plan was to date other people and make sure we were right for one another in the futureSXXX:which now seems pretty telling, we shoulda known if we were good or not by thenSXXX:but yeah, i dunnoSXXX:in the end it has kinda worked out, i have a great gf now, but it was 8 months of hell in the transitionSXXX:just a lot of depression for a while there, but it does get better once you knida figure things out, just takes time... sorry im not giving u the pretiest pic but this was my experienceFRIEND:no it helps thank youFRIEND:my worst fear is that we will hate eachother if we try and it failsFRIEND:he still hasnt said he loves me, cause he doesnt. ughSXXX:i dont hate JXXXX. i had some anger with her for a while, but tat has gone. we dont talk now which really sucks, but its hard to get thru and figure out how to act aroound someone like that you know? i doubt hate will be what stays if thing dont work though, people tend to be forgiving over timeSXXX:if love isnt there though, thats gonna make staying harder (worry)FRIEND:yeah i just honestly cant imagine not having him in my lifeFRIEND:in any waySXXX:yeah :( well maybe finding out where he'll fit in your life is what needs t happenSXXX:like in what wayFRIEND:yeah i have no clue :(FRIEND:honestly, ill tell you this the sex isnt passionate.FRIEND:at all, i dont know if that really matters or whateverFRIEND:but i dont feel that deep connection in that way with him :(SXXX:it's gonna be tough, but if you both want to stay in each others lives, then there should be a waySXXX:omg thats what i had with JXXXXSXXX:taht was the big problem with herSXXX:i loved her, but sex was an issueSXXX:as you could probably guessFRIEND:yeah its not badFRIEND:like bad sexFRIEND:its like, that spark isnt thereFRIEND:like i want him, but its not lustSXXX:yeah, mine wasnt *bad* sex, just not passionate, same kinda thinghad a great connection otherwise, but not in the sex departmentSXXX:i can tell you now, with DDDD, GREAT sexual chemistry, and it really makes a difference in a way i couldnt have imaginedSXXX:i feel like way more of a couple rather than 2 friends in love, lolSXXX:u get those now?FRIEND:yeahFRIEND:thats exactly how i feel!FRIEND:but at the same time i cannot imagine him with someone else ughSXXX:i knowSXXX:i was physically sick when JXXXX told me she was dating someon eelseSXXX:like throwing upSXXX:but now with DDDD im kinda realizing that that wasnt the perfect relationship. it was a good one, but it didnt have *everything* i needed in a relationsihpSXXX:i was happy with her and had love, but it wasn't complete you konwSXXX:i wish i had figured this all out before we got in these huge fights so that we could still talk and be friends, i really feel like i lost my best friend now that we dont talkSXXX:im still trying though, every so often give her an update and say hi, except last time i did she told me it was too ahrd for her, so now the ball is in her court i guess. i dunno.FRIEND:awee, yeahFRIEND:i dont want to not talk to him, but im scared to break up with him i dont want to lose himFRIEND:im being selfish ughSXXX:you're gonna have to figure out how you want him in your life. and from the sounds of it if he's your best friend, then that might be a good way to move, otherwise you'll do what i did and drive yourself crazy tryin to hangg onto something that you can't possibly hang onto
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Posted on May 28, 2012 via I Raff I Ruse with 959 notes
Source: iraffiruse
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Posted on May 22, 2012 via puravidaescape with 2 notes
Source: puravidaescape
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From April 23rd, said I would post it.
SXXX:Hey, how's it goin JXXXX? (promise I'm not ambushing you with chemo fears or anything today, haha)JXXXX:Hi SXXX, I'm ok. Exam tomorrow and the next day. I don't know if us talking again is a good idea ok?SXXX:Oh wow, well good luck! That's ok. I feel that I am ready to give the friend thing another try, like a serious try now, like I said, I miss my friend. I know you don't really have any guy friends/any exes that you're friends with, so know it might be weird for you. Anyways, I don't wanna rush you or anything, I just wanted to say that I'm ready when you are, and I'd very much like to try when you're feelin upto it :) I have managed to move on but ya were my best friend, maybe we can be friends. K, babbling lol. Good luck tomorrow and the next day! :)JXXXX:Thank you. Ill contact you when I'm readySXXX:Okie doke :) I'll try to refrain from paniced cancer texts lol. Look forward to hearin from you :) wish I could convey some way that I really do miss the friendship. I told my gf that I'm going to try to start our friendship up again and she was very supportive, maybe that will help show you my intentions are in the right place? :). Anyways I'm babbling again, get at me when you can :) kill those exams!! -
me:heyme:I emailed ya a while back, just checkin if you got itJXXXX:i did get it; thank youJXXXX:i didn`t really know how to respond, so i didnt... i hope you dont mindme:sure, no problem. in future just as a heads up, I prefer responses, even if they are just "im not sure how to respond" just so I'm not left wondering if you've read it or not just one of those things that nags at me you knowbut no worriesi know it's kinda weirdJXXXX:it`s okme:I don't know the steps to take to get where I want to get either, hahaI hope you don't mind me trying?JXXXX:i`m not readyme:Ok, that's not a problemJXXXX:i need more timeme:that's not a problemJXXXX:and i feel guilty whenever you contact mebecause i dont want to talk to youalthough i like to know that youre doing okme:I'm sorry, you really don't have to feel guilty!Can I ask why you don't want to talk to me?if not, no worriesJXXXX:because i am not over itme:that's entirely understandablemy biggest fear is that you're going to just let time kind of do it's thing and not try to contact me down the roadI know that's the easier thing to do, obviouslyJXXXX:SXXX its been less than 6 monthsgive me timeme:I'm really sorry, I really, REALLY don't mean to stress you out or guilt you. I'm forgetting that just because I'm ready it doesn't mean you are, I'm sorryJXXXX:you went through your mourning intensely and over a shorter periodit takes me longerme:Of courseJXXXX:please leave me to mournme:Of course. I'm eager to start talking to you again, but I don't want to rush things.As always, you let me know when you're readyI'll back offJXXXX:listen, every time we talk i am forced to tears. so i think that is an indicator i am not readywhen i am, i will seek you out.until then you need to let me healme:That really was not my intention!!! Jeez, I don't want that to happen :SOk, you won't hear from me for a few months at least!JXXXX:i know it isn`ti know it would never be your intention to hurtme:I'll be here whenever you're readyJXXXX:ok thank youme:I'm real sorry I didn't know that was the effect I was havingJXXXX:it`s okme:Wait, otherwise, are you happy?I hope soJXXXX:yesme:good!JXXXX:okme:I'm really glad to hear htatI'll talk to you alterJXXXX:okme:Take care of yourselfJXXXX:you toome:one last thing! (sorry) I might be gettign rid of blackberry, so if I don't respond on there, try email! k, really gone, lolJXXXX:ok sure
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Hi JXXXX,
I just wanted to send off a quick email. I know I said I’d wait for you to be ready, and I’m still up for that, I just am hoping to move forward if possible in trying out a friendship. I figured if I sent ya an email rather than a text it’d show ya that I’m serious and have thought this out.So, what’s new? On my side, things are going really well actually. Hey, I got a job at [TECH]! Isn’t that ironic? They are opening a store here in [TOWN], and I’m going to be working there part time doing essentially a sales position. I’m pretty excited about that actually. The mantra I’ve been telling myself is “[TECH] makes great devices for people that want to get past the technology and just use device to do what they want to do” they make computers for people that don’t want to deal with computers. So I’m not sure exactly when the job starts, sometime early next month I believe. I’m going to try to juggle that with the winery for a while.I’ve been working at the Winery as the only person there, like opening and closing the store, running the whole show, that has been really great. I’ve never ran a place like that before, and I really enjoy it, the responsibility as well as the freedom to work how I want to (there are days where I work right to order and get done everything that NEEDS to get done, and then there are days where I like took the entire store inventory just because I thought we could use it. so it’s nice being able to work as hard or not as you’d like)I ended up getting a bursary from Fanshawe, where I got 500$ extra because of academic excellence. That was pretty amazing, I was giddy when I got that!Anyways, all in all I’m doing very well. I’m actually really happy, which I didn’t forsee a few months ago. The only thing that gets me down from time to time is not being able to talk to you, and be friends. I’ll leave this email short, but I’d love to hear from you, how you’re doing, and maybe we can go from here. Talk to ya soon!-SXXX -
http://xkcd.com/931/
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DDDD asked me today
why I was going to marry JXXXX. it was a good question, kind of brought a bunch up.
DDDD is amazing by the way.
JXXXX and I were great friends. great. got along wonderfully. but now that I’ve been dating DDDD for a little while, I am able to see how much there was missing. specifically, we were great friends, we could play together in a way that was really fun and that you can’t really do unless you’re dating someone (just wrestle, just around, stupid kind of jokes, let your guard down) but when it came to the bedroom, there was definitely a detachment. I always wanted way more than she wanted, and she knew it, and was self conscious about it, and no amount of me telling her it was ok would fix it. By the end there we were really detached physically. cuddling and hugging and kissing was great, but sex wise we both weren’t getting what we needed I don’t think.
JXXXX kind of hit it on the head in a weird way, that she wasn’t IN love with me anymore. And I suppose I knew that too. Why else would I have suggested that we go off and date other people and see if we are right for one another? Shouldn’t we have known that? On paper that made more sense than a lot of things in our relationship, but realistically, it shouldnt have been something we even thought about. I’m thankful things have turned out how they did, because in this new relationship I can see that there were some things missing. DDDD has all these little fantasies and things that I would have never said out loud but she has and we’re both into it. We’re both pretty nerdy, but the same kind of video game and trading card game nerdy. I don’t want to compare DDDD and JXXXX because it’s not really a straight comparison. I’m extremely thankful to have dated JXXXX, she made me grow up a lot. A ton. And I still need to find a way to have her in my life, if I can. But I can see now that there were these fundamental things wrong with the relationship where we just didn’t click, and they were problems that were there from the start, and that we were never really able to move past so decided that they didn’t matter and ignored them. Except that every so often they showed up and couldn’t be ignored. I’m being vague. Maybe I’m moving on. Maybe this is how JXXXX felt a few months ago.
I msged her a few days back but never posted it up here, I’ll get around to it. I told her I wanted to try the friends thing again. she said basically when she was ready she would. I told her I’d give her space. I figure in a month’s time I’ll try to message her again. Baby steps. DDDD is very supportive of me trying to do that. She’s also very supportive of the cancer. Oh my god is she supportive. I’ve really lucked out with this girl. I’m going to have to be careful to address problems as they come up in this relationship instead of letting stuff slide by, because this girl is definitely a keeper. (JXXXX would have been too, mind you, I’m not bashing her, and I sincerely hope that she’s happy right now)
OK. I’m rambling now. Thought I would post while I’m in a good mood and kind of a clear head. I imagine posts will get much less frequent. I hope that this blog helps me next time I’m going through the steps of depression.
One more thing I said today, is it’s crazy how you think your life is going to go completely one way, and how it can totally shift. A year ago I had a track to go to school, move off with JXXXX wherever she wanted to go, make a life. Now I have cancer that I’m treating, an entirely new girl, and just kind of rolling with the punches. But I’m very happy. I didn’t see happiness coming so quickly. Those days when the depression got crippling, I need to remember this feeling for next time so that I can prove to myself that it DOES go away, it DOES move on. I was telling myself the whole time things would get better, but did I really believe it? Most the time not really. I’m glad it has, that I didn’t let those stupid voices affect me too much.
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part 2 (did I mention I like this girl?)
SXXX:I try to make a policy of not talking about exes to girls I’m dating :p
